extraordinary machine

so years ago my friend rae and i decided to start a blog--us and five million other eager, independent, loud young women who felt we had important things to say. now for the life of me i can't locate that blog. i searched my gmail which almost never fails me. perhaps this blog adventure began before the wonders of gmail entered my life in 2005. i searched in google to no avail. what happens to blogs that go unedited and unread for years upon years? do they just disappear into oblivion? are they stored somewhere secret and safe in the analogs of time? i need to know. because rae passed away in 2008 and though i do my my best to keep her present in my life, it's getting harder and harder to really feel her.

on days when i get my "rae attacks" (the term my mom and i created for moments when sadness overwhelms, when memories evoke pain and salty tears instead of laughter and joy rekindled) i reach for the large ziplock bag next to my bed. i should probably invest in something a bit snazzier on behalf of rae but i digress. inside the well worn plastic are some of my most treasured possessions; cards and letters that my lovely brain-twin wrote to me over the ten years we were friends. i take each one out and cherish the sight of her handwriting, the words of gratitude for my friendship or some small, ridiculous thing i did for her, the countless inside jokes and nicknames we shared, the desire to be friends always and the certainty that this would be so. i take each one out, read every word and smooth them all back into their original, addressed envelopes. then i slide the plastic bag zipper closed and i feel better for awhile. because i have held these tangible pieces of rae. she wrote these words to me and they are real and they are forever. i focus on this and not on the fact that these are all that ever will be; i will never receive another card or another letter. so i treasure what i do have and am grateful. her friendship and her words continue to sustain me when i'm sad, when i'm lonely or confused, when i get my 'rae attacks', when i doubt myself.

the blog we wrote together was entitled 'extraordinary machine'. she thought of it, named it after a favorite song by fiona apple. it's a pretty rad song and best part goes like this: be kind to me or treat me mean / i'll make the most of it / i'm an extraordinary machine. my friend rae was extraordinary. and she will always be my friend. and in her honor i begin this blog, named after a song that will forever BE rae in my mind, 'shine' by david gray. i'm not sure what it will contain or even if there will be another post besides this one. we shall see. but i'm a person with thoughts and ideas and love and experiences and funny stories and i like to write. so rae, thanks for inspiring me. and even if no one else is reading my blog, i know you will be.